Written by: Edwige Gilbert, Author of the “Fresh Start Promise”
Dale Carnegie once said, “Fear does not exist anywhere but in our mind.”
Let’s consider this: If fear is just a figment of our imagination and does not exist anywhere else, how can we explain the devastating impact fear has on our health and in our lives?
I may have an answer for you. You see fear, unlike any other emotion, has a vital and basic function, which is to warn us against physical and emotional danger. To accomplish this purpose, fear activates the fight or flight response releasing toxic chemicals in our brain such as adrenaline. I can understand how useful this function may have been thousands of years ago, to warn the poor cavemen to fly or fight for their lives when attacked by a bear. But today, this function seems obsolete and yet, we are still experiencing its full impact. For example, we might just be giving a speech or showing up for an interview and all of a sudden we notice our heart pounding in our chest and our palms getting sweaty, while feeling panicky and confused.
I have a difficult time accepting that just because we are afraid, all of this can happen. Especially when I realize that practically everything we do in our lives is tinted with fear. As you already know, the list of fear situations is nearly endless: fear of sickness, poverty, rejection, the fear of aging, loneliness, and the fear of failure or even success.
What are we to do? Accept that we are prisoners of fear and allow it to dominate our lives and take away our freedom and joie de vivre?
I don’t think so and I hope you feel the way I do.
In the name of our liberation from the tyranny of our fears, I propose 3 steps that we can take to help us.
Step 1: Make fear your friend
What does that mean? Since we cannot escape or hide from it, why not choose to have fear as your companion on your new journey? After all, fear is just warning you that you are going through changes, and dealing with a new situation can be uncomfortable. Fear can also force us to be brave and develop strength of character. Finally, fear, when you are able to conquer it, can bring you such a sense of accomplishment, greater self-esteem and self-confidence.
To make this concept more alive, I propose that you imagine that you are a snake charmer from India wearing a saffron colored turban, sitting in a crossed legged position learning to tame the Cobra of fear, while hypnotizing him with the intoxicating music of the Pungi (a native bamboo wind instrument).
Step 2: Change your focus
Stop focusing on being afraid and start focusing on your desired outcome. It is believed that what you focus on expands and becomes your reality. Decide to focus on what you want to accomplish. Picture yourself having reached your goal feeling confident and victorious.
When dealing with a challenging situation, you can imagine yourself as a warrior, such as King Arthur if you are a man or Xena the warrior princess if you are a woman, holding a sword of fearlessness and wearing an armor of white light, protecting you from all fear and negativity.
Step 3: Be your inner coach
We all have a tendency to be too critical and judgmental about ourselves. We often feel deep down that we are not good enough. We secretly search for perfection, which creates a lot of pressure, fear and anxiety. What if we chose to be more loving and accepting of ourselves and decided to adopt the language of the heart which would ban the “cannot” and the “should’s,” and instead, embracing positive and empowering words?
To create this positive experience, bring your arms up in the air and declare, “Victory to me, Victory is mine” as you place a big smile on your face for appreciation and gratitude of this joyful moment.
I hope you will use these 3 steps on your journey of life. And everyday remember to welcome fear and make it your friend, to keep your mind focused on the wonderful things you desire to achieve in your life and most importantly, to stay loving, encouraging and supportive.
I would like to leave you with a final thought by Ralph Waldo Emerson, who once said, “He who is not every day conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”
Merci, Edwige
Written by: Katie Cohen
Everybody expects their first kiss to be this monumental moment when gravity miraculously stops and you find yourself floating above the ground and gasping for air. Who even decided that it was supposed to be like that? I never understood the appeal.
Getting swept off your feet inevitably ends in a painful fall and having your breath taken away is a guaranteed trip to the emergency room. For a close friend of mine, it literally was a trip to the hospital, but not because she was gasping for air. Rather, because she woke up the next morning with a small bump on her lip after some eighth-grade stud took her kissing virginity. When her dermatologist quickly diagnosed this nasty little thing as a flat wart, my friend was sent home with a very strong cream to apply on the affected area before bedtime.
Less than 24 hours later, I received a call from a panicking teenager who insisted that her lips had tripled in size. When I entered my friend’s apartment with a sympathy tub of rocky road ice cream, and got my first glimpse of her blowfish lips, I realized that her mini tantrum was completely justified.
Another week went by, and the lip swelling only got worse, and was eventually accompanied by spiking. It was discovered that the severe reactions were side effects from the cream that was being used to treat the flat wart, which turned out to be a pimple according to the results of the biopsy. This cream that destroyed my friends mucosal membrane (particularly her lips) and compromised her good health is now recognized as extremely hazardous to the human body and is prescribed with great caution by doctors. More recent medical research has shown that the strong concentration of harmful chemicals in the formula can be “criminally dangerous” when applied to specific areas.
Unfortunately, so many of the ingredients in body and skincare products we use daily contain ingredients that are identical to those in the cream that my friend applied to her “wart”. Some of them are Paraben based, meaning they contain chemicals like Methylparaben, Propylparaben, IIsoparaben, Butylparaben. Phthalates are additional chemicals that should be avoided at all costs. It is outrageous that there are only minimal efforts made to expose the important truths behind the products we use, and even more astonishing that the majority of the products do more harm to us than they do good.
Our skin is a major player in our first line of defense, constantly fighting off harmful bacteria and toxins that our bodies come into contact with every day. So while we all want soft, clear, and youthful looking skin, we sometimes fail to remember that keeping our skin healthy has greater benefits than those at the aesthetic level! It is important to treat it with the proper care that it deserves by introducing treatments into our cleansing regiments that keep our skin clean without a toxic solution. It is counterproductive to clean your face with products that only contaminate your skin more in the end!
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Written by: Katie Cohen
Written by: Katie Cohen
I just watched The Little Mermaid. Sprawled across the living room floor, I imagined that my legs were a beautiful green tail, gleaming against the ocean’s seabed. My short blonde bob had transformed into spaghetti length locks of fiery red that danced and twirled as I swam toward my father’s antique leather chair, which closely resembled King Tritons throne. Suddenly, the sky cast a dark shadow over my ocean, inviting the evils of the sea to emerge from their hiding places and to create the most violent storm. King Triton told me that if I could make my way across the ocean without stepping on any sea urchins, or without swimming into any dark holes, that the storm would vanish. However, if I failed to follow his advice, the angry storm would strengthen and destroy my entire sea world.
For several days, I did everything in my power to avoid the sea urchins and dark holes that King Triton warned me about. Whether I was playing the role of Ariel in The Little Mermaid or just being Katie, I still had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that something terrible was going to happen if I didn’t listen to the king. Eventually my six-year old Disney fantasy and my reality became interchangeable, and stepping over sea urchins manifested into the exhausting obsession of jumping over the street cracks of downtown Manhattan. This was my first experience with anxiety. Of course, I did not understand the significance of my neurotic rituals at the time or that I was becoming controlled by my thoughts.
Thoughts. The very things that allow us to create, to grow, and to distinguish ourselves as individuals. However, when fueled by anxiety, they reveal their destructive nature, often leaving people crippled and enslaved by their irrational thinking processes. Fortunately, as the masters of our minds, we have a choice. We can allow ourselves to be consumed by our fears or we can conquer them before they conquer us. While it’s easier said than done, it is possible. Take it one day at a time. Today, I will choose to step ON the street cracks.
*Please Comment Below* Written by: Katie Cohen
Written by: Steven M. Goldsmith
Isn't it amazing how we create stories in our lives and hold onto them? We create stories about situations and relate to those stories rather than what actually happened. And if you pay close enough attention, you'll notice that that's how you relate to people as well...to your story about them rather than who they are. Wouldn't this world be a better place if we had authentic relationships instead?
How do you let go of your stories of people and situations? You stay present; you catch yourself in the act. Try that next time you talk to someone. Look at them and pay attention to the voices that arise in your head. What you'll notice is that your story about them will come up: what they did or didn't do to you, what they're wearing, who you think they are in the world, what other people think of them, if you think they are ugly or pretty, so on and so forth. Do you really think you are relating to them with all this noise in the background? You can’t. It’s impossible.
We create so many stories about people, places and objects that we see everything through a filter. It’s like those Claritin commercials: the image on TV is ever so blurry until the person has taken Claritin, and then the image is crystal clear. Think of how much brighter things would be if we saw them for what they were. Think of how much more colorful nature would be, how much better food would taste, how much more you’d be able to actually hear what people were saying. It would be a world through a crystal clear lens. You would free yourself from the prison of your mind and truly experience life!
It’s time to start relating to each other this way or you will miss our lives completely. Get out of your head, catch yourself in your story and commit to letting go of the labels and words associated with everything. Stay present and enjoy life. Living in the world of what IS instead of the world of LANGUAGE is so much more exciting. It’s a life without fear (the fears that you’ve created that don’t really exist anyway). Everyone deserves a life like that. It’s called freedom! It’s called presence. It’s called LIFE!
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Written by: Steven M. Goldsmith
All of life is about accepting change and letting go. We lose loved ones, people move away, the elderly pass on, flowers perish and trees fall. We have pets that touch our hearts and leave us with grieving sadness. We have Grandparents who make us feel special, then move onto a higher plane leaving us feeling empty. But we don’t have to feel sad or empty. Now I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt and it isn’t sad. Of course it is. But it is also the natural progression of life and it benefits us more to accept it, breathe and move on. As Francois de la Rochefoucauld so eloquently put it, “The only thing constant in life is change.”
Now, I have been struggling with what I want out of life lately. I’ve come to a fork in the road and I’m not quite sure which way to go. It’s scary and I often don’t want to make a choice…I want things to be as I have always expected them to be and have been used to. But the universe has a different plan…Change!
I am an actor by trade but have been on the fence of whether or not I want to do it anymore. I’ve had some challenging auditions lately and have been putting a lot of pressure on myself. The pressure naturally only makes it worse, but I haven’t figured out how to “let go” of that pressure yet. This was really magnified the other day when I had a pretty bad audition; over the days that followed, I kept beating myself up for it. I held on with such ferocity, as if I might die without the self-inflicted abuse.
I had no idea how to take my mind off of…well…my mind, so I took myself on a date to see “The Life of Pi.” At first I was cynical and wasn’t enjoying it, but once I relaxed and put my focus on the movie instead of my most recent “failure,” I was drawn in. But nothing hit me quite like the quote at the end of the movie: “All of life is an act of letting go, but what hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye” (now what he meant by “not taking a moment to say goodbye” might have been one thing, but I interpreted it to stand for many different situations. It can also stand for forgiveness).
This knocked me over the head, smacked me in the face and jolted me out of my negativity. “All of life is an act of letting go…” I was holding onto this terrible audition and feeling like a failure, telling myself over and over again that I would never be great and that I destroyed chances I may never again get. Holding onto this thought, at the time, was akin to not being able to let one off of life support…I couldn’t say goodbye to it.
Now I realize I was being overly dramatic, but in that moment, that was how I was feeling: hopeless, sad, grieving and lost. I couldn’t let go of my “story.” But if I just “let go” and allowed myself to “say goodbye,” it would be done. It wasn’t still happening to me. The audition wasn’t an endless torture in a chamber of horrifying tools. The horrifying tools were my thoughts and the chamber was my mind. It wasn’t still happening, yet I kept playing it over and over and over and over again in my mind like someone was holding a gun to my head saying, “YOU MUST FEEL SHAME AND SADNESS FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.” And what for?
I’ve been so unsure of my current path as a performer, being faced with this fork in the road of possibly leaving the business and starting over, that I put an exorbitant amount of pressure on this one audition to prove to me that I was “supposed” to stay in the business. It proved to be the opposite. And maybe it was a nudge to say, “keep fighting, stay the course and don’t give up”; who knows. That’s not the point. The point is to learn to let go, say goodbye (albeit, grieve a little to feel the loss so it can be fully released) and go with the flow. Accept the natural progression of life (mistakes and all), accept change and move forward, not backward.
Yes, many horrific and tragic things happen in this world--things far worse than a botched audition--but once it has happened, there’s nothing we can do to change it. We can’t go back in time to “fix” or “stop” it from happening. Once it’s done it’s done, and the only thing that seemingly keeps it going is the mind.
A fork in the road, a bad audition, a loved one passing on, etc… These are things that we’re not meant to hold onto, but we tend to anyway. We do so because it’s hard to be faced with failure and loss. It leads to change, which leads to a different direction and eventually toward a new beginning.
Change is a gift that gives us a chance to release old hurts, learn something new, discover something great and start with something fresh. Who would we be if we stayed in the present and accepted the constant change in the world and in our lives? What wouldn’t we miss? What would we give ourselves permission to do? Byron Katie, the author of “The Work,” says that when we examine depression and sadness, the only thing that ever makes us unhappy is our RESISTANCE to WHAT IS. I truly believe that if everyone learned to “let go” and “say goodbye,” we would live a much more rewarding existence and co-existence. Letting go and saying goodbye…bitter though it may feel, sweet it actually is.
***Please comment below***
Written by: Betsy Karp
Have you asked yourself this question lately: “Who am I?” I love the synchronicity of the universe and how it all works. Everywhere I have gone in the last two weeks, the phrase “Who am I” has come up and brought forth an inner awareness within me.
I was gifted two tickets this week to see the Broadway show, “Cyrano De Bergerac.” It is a tragic love story of a man and his unrequited love for the beautiful Roxanne. Cyrano is a duelist, a gifted, romantic poet and a brilliant, passionate man. He has, however, a disfigurement that causes him terrible, life-long self-doubt. He was born with an obtuse nose, and from that moment, his own mother wanted to give him back, because of his fated flaw.
Cyrano ‘s inner self-doubt and lack of “Who am I” prevents him from expressing his need for true love. He feels that his ugly nose shouldn’t even allow him to be loved by an ugly woman.
Many of us have flaws, imperfections and self–doubt. Why is it that we hide and mask many things about ourselves? There should be no crime or shame in this, but only a true learning and gracious understanding in accepting and honoring the flaws within us.
There is so much beauty in all of us, including our imperfections. As I ask myself, “Who am I” and continually grow into whom I truly am, I have learned to appreciate my flaws and the weaknesses that make me “ME.” No one wants to be a perfectionist. Yes, it is true that we all want things to go well and have success, but there really is no such thing as being perfect.
I have been having my own sense of self-doubt and fears lately, as so much of my life is all about new ventures. I am stepping out of my comfort zone big time and challenging myself like I never have before. I am really showing up for me while staying present every day.
Just the other day I was internally beating myself up, causing a lot of anxiety. It was bringing up feelings of, “Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? Am I worthy?" And then I had a dream that helped me to break the blocks and move forward in my own sabotaging beliefs. In my dream, I was in a beautiful Indian palace filled with luscious colors, wall hangings, pillows and velvet colored furniture, but there were no bathrooms. In the dream this palace wasn’t a great place to be when I had to go, but when I awoke from the dream, I realized I was creating the blocks within myself.
Once I was wide-awake, I realized how grateful I was to have a bathroom in my apartment. The dream helped me to let go of the perfectionism in me and to know that I am enough. I then reached within my heart and brought out my inner love for me. I repeated the mantra, “I AM ENOUGH…I AM ENOUGH AS I AM,” and as I said this, everything shifted in me.
Cyrano spent his life in denial and wasn’t brave enough to confess his love to Roxanne, his soul mate and true love, due to his heavy tormented self–doubts. Don’t be a victim like Cyrano. Be the victor of you and start to live your life today by saying, “I AM ENOUGH…I AM LOVE …I ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM.”
When we allow our pasts and our own self-doubts to take away the beauty of self-love and all that we can be, we lose our authentic selves. When we are honest with ourselves, we look inside our hearts and find the courage and strength to say and admit our truth.
Stand up for what you believe in… flaws and all! BE BOLD, BE BRAVE, BE COURAGEUOS! Ask yourself, “Who am I?” and honor that!
*Please comment below and share with your friends.*
Hugs,
Betsy Karp,
Founder of i adore me
The word impulse means to act on a whim without serious regard or thought. I have had my share of impulsive behavior over the years that I wish I could take back, but people can’t move backward…just forward. The trick is learning to be conscious of what we are doing at this moment in time and what we are feeling.
I just came from seeing the movie “Flight “ with Denzel Washington. He is one of my most favorite actors, because his acting is so superb. It’s as though he just is. He has a wonderful sense of timing while staying present. The story revolves around his impulsive disorder and his need to resolve it for himself. This got me thinking on what it means to be impulsive, while addressing patterns of my own.
Do you find yourself being impulsive? Do you buy things just because you want them or do you stop and take a moment, asking yourself, “Do I really need this? Can I afford this?” What are the feelings that are coming up?
Usually when we are impulsive, we are acting out deep, unresolved emotions that we don’t want to face. When we are conscious of our actions it’s amazing what we become aware of. To need and want are two separate issues.
I have become aware of the importance of what it is that I need and what truly is impulsive. For example, I was out of socks. Most of them had holes in the toes and I was down to two good pairs. I stopped in at Urban Outfitters to buy some new, inexpensive socks, and let me tell you, they weren’t so inexpensive. I had told myself, “I am only going to purchase what I need: a few pairs of socks and that is it!”
Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a soft, romantic, pink, fluffy scarf that I loved, but I caught myself in time saying, “No Betsy, you do not need it, you have five million scarves” (a bit of an exaggeration). But the point is, I promised myself that I wasn’t going to be impulsive today.
Do you know how many millions of dollars people spend on being impulsive, buying an item just because it feels good? Or maybe it’s at the register before you check out and you say to yourself, “Oh what the heck, I’ll take that too.” But the whole point is that when we become unconscious and don’t take responsibility for our actions, major problems occur in our lives causing addictions, over spending, over eating and the list continues.
When you stop and take a moment, thinking about what it is you really do need and not what it is you want, you can stop the impulsive action and behavior. This will save you lots of money, time, better health, and improved relationships, as well as higher self-esteem.
So maybe the next time you feel impulsive to do something, take a minute, raise your consciousness and think truthfully to yourself, “Do I need this? Do I want this? Is this good for me?” You will know the answer. Be honest with yourself and look within.
*Please comment below and share with your friends.* Hugs, Betsy Karp, Founder of i adore me
The unknown can scare us half to death, not knowing what to expect, what we’re going to have, where we’re going to be and how our lives will turn out. But if we knew everything in advance, we really wouldn’t be in existence; life wouldn’t be life and it would be a complete bore. Life is a constant evolution process. It’s learning to deal with and accept the unknown.
The other day I was feeling a little overwhelmed taking a look back at where my life had been and what I had done. When I looked back at the things I had achieved over the years (which I didn’t know about year ago), it made me feel great. I felt accomplished with a year of growth. All of a sudden I felt so much better and so much lighter. I realized, “how could I know the unknown right now?” It’s impossible. And this is where the adventure and fun should come in.
If we take the fear out of the unknown and look at it more as a new path, a new direction or an adventure (and it’s all a lesson anyway), life will show us the way. The path will be paved. As a friend always says to me, “life takes care." I am starting to date again and open myself up to new possibilities of meeting new people, and everything is unknown: When are they going to call? What are they going to look like? Are we going to connect? Learning about someone new can be exciting if we let it. But if I don’t jump into the unknown with a positive attitude, how will I find that new, special person?
The late Steve Jobs once said: “If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.” I find this quote so true, because when we meet someone in life that just feels right, it feels like coming home. So don’t give up. Let the unknown be a good thing. Don’t give up on yourself and keep going until you find the person and/or thing you want. Your heart will know it when you find it.
Learn how to change your perception of the unknown, whether it’s relationships, starting a new job, your first speaking engagement or an audition. Look at the unknown as an awakening and an opening into a greater you. Let the unknown be your friend and keep saying yes to anything that comes your way. Be open, be ready and be willing to let the unknown become part of the known.
*Please comment below and share with your friends.* Hugs, Betsy Karp, Founder of i adore me
Everybody thinks fear is a bad thing, but actually it’s one of the best things that can happen to you if you use it to your advantage. Fear moves us forward, it helps us to grow, it pushes us out of our comfort zone and let’s us create new opportunities for ourselves. If we didn’t have fear we wouldn’t grow. And what would be the whole point of life anyway? Everybody gets fear. Even Tony Robbins says he still gets it. But when fear does come up, ask yourself what you’re afraid of. What are those emotions and feelings? Let them come up inside of you…don’t push them down. When you start to embrace and feel the feelings of fear, they will begin to dissolve. That’s what’s called pushing through the fear. This is something you really need support with, so look to a coach, a therapist, some of the i adore me programs and let fear be your friend instead of your enemy. Just yesterday I had my sixth speech at Toast Masters. The topic was “Love or Fear. Which One?” I delivered a message through explaining how when we use fear to our advantage, it really does start to empower us, holding the love as its friend. Just let the darkness of the fear go. Even though it was my sixth speech and I am getting better at all of this, the butterflies and all the fears still came up for me that night and in the morning before the speech. But after I delivered the speech and people thanked me for a new, clever and creative way to explain the difference between love and fear, it brought about a resolution inside of me: I stepped out of my comfort zone, revealing things that I’ve been through that I had been fearful of, to try and help others. Fear is a really big subject and emotion, but when we use it to our advantage and step out of our comfort zone and speak up and speak out, it starts changing how we feel. Where are you right now in your life? Are you in a fear-based place or a love based place? Maybe you need to let fear push you so you can grow. Use fear to bring about change in you and see how great you will feel after you do it. You really will feel like you’ve accomplished something. Start looking at fear in a whole new light, embrace it with some love, then let it go. *Please comment below and share with your friends.* Hugs, Betsy Karp, Founder of i adore me
“Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”—Marianne Williamson Which way are you living your life? Are you choosing love or fear? I believe that's all there is! You choose. When we step into a loving place we feel open, happy, warm, joyful, kind, affectionate, soft, playful and free. When we are in a place of fear we are shaky, lethargic, tense, small, angry, and scared. Fear makes us live our lives in drama, chaos and pain. I don't know about you, but given these two choices I certainly choose LOVE. And yes, it is a CHOICE! Our fears get the best of us, deadlocking us at times. When we are afraid, we go into that fear-based place that is the unknown. “Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real”. It is a huge energy within us, stirring our emotions like a tornado. Fear keeps coming up for me as well as for many others I know, including my clients. When people come to me fearful of doing something, it usually means that they have something to learn or experience. We explore these fears throughout i adore me’s Happy New Me coaching sessions, learning how to change our ATTITUDE and ENERGY through positive affirmations and guided meditations. Through these sessions my clients discover that once they change their attitude and their energy, the fears begin to dissipate, clearing an open path for creating ACTION steps that allow them to live a happy new life each day. You see, it's about clearing the darkness within us. When we are in a fearful place it’s probably because we don't know what to do or how to do it. But truly, the only way out of fear is going through it: stepping into the mess, the pain, the old hurts and insecurities of why we are fearful. Maybe it was someone older in your life - a relative, a parent or an old teacher - that made you afraid, feel unsafe or inadequate, possibly undermining your confidence. Or possibly it was an old emotion of “I can't do this” or “I'm not good enough” or “I’m not smart enough and I just can’t!” YOU are sabotaging your own confidence. Wouldn’t it be great to explore these fears and create an open path for yourself? After a lot of spiritual guidance and practice from an incredible teacher and compassionate healer, Liam Watt (www.dancingwithyourshadow.net), I am NOW able to let go of fear. I owe so much gratitude to him. Everyone needs a coach and a support system. Truly! Liam helped me change how I feel internally. He taught me how to handle and move through the fear. Much of the process is about creating stillness. Trust me, I resisted it for a long time. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life, but having a dedicated and compassionate coach is what got me through... and it can get you through too. I had to dive (body, mind and soul) into the swampy, mucky, muddy waters of fear, but now I truly see a light at the end of the tunnel, feeling and seeing that LOVE for myself. Is there a fear or old emotional issue you need to address? It will probably keep bobbing its head up if you don’t address it. So there is no time like the present. It’s all a process and a journey. By embracing the fear, taking action for yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone is when you begin to feel a shift, experiencing a new way to be! The old blocks and emotions will start to dissolve and move out of your way. A newfound place of LOVE will emerge. You will celebrate and shout from the rooftops: “Hallelujah!” So which way will you choose? Isn't it time you stepped out of fear and into love? Isn’t it time to experience a Happy New You? There is no time like the present. Choose LOVE and experience how great YOU will feel! *Please comment below and share with your friends.* Hugs, Betsy Karp, Founder of i adore me
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